There are very basic rules to communication. One person, say a wife, discusses a problem. The listener (who will likely be blamed for turning a deaf ear) say, the husband has already moved past the issue and is working on a solution. It’s a common dynamic. The wife thinks he isn’t hearing her because she wants empathy or even an “umm hum” but he is well past that to formulating a plan. He doesn’t realize that she just wanted a listening ear, not an opinion or action. Hence the miscommunication is often the listener wondering, “How can I help?”

There is lots of practice for this dynamic in the clinic.  When I see patients my first concerns are to get going with a plan of care- it is a “how can I help” moment. Often however, the patient just needs me to witness the horror they are facing and acknowledge, not react.

Often we develop an emotional connection to crisis and by nature, start to work out solutions in our minds. A meditative jog turns into problem solving. This week, I am watched over by the smiley face crescent moon with twinkly “eyes” right next to the Big Dipper in a question mark form. The peaceful sky and soft breeze through the palms provide support for the meditation. They do not however provide answers.

Only by asking the question of others- letting them know we are available to them, will that become clear. In the clinic, the treatment isn’t always how we can help. Susan needs meds to calm the hyper anxiety surrounding her diagnosis. Paula only cares that her brother from California will not be inconvenienced, so we choose a simple quick therapy for her. Tom needs to work for his family but overnight trucking does not allow for daily radiation, so modifications are made. Lots of way to give help and support here beyond the treatment.

You have many opportunities as well. It may not be to run the grand kids to their many activities. It may be taking them for a weekend to give their parents a real break. You may help by cleaning a house, getting a car serviced, driving a friend for chemo, picking someone up after a colonoscopy, helping a friend choose a wig, making a home cooked meal.

There is so much placed on our radar that we actually cannot fix: the Ukraine, the economy, inflation, crime. But we each seem to have ideas about these. Let’s give ourselves a break and just focus on the “How can I help” solutions that affect those nearest and dearest to us. That is where your own gratification will come. That is your real impact. That is where gratefulness will abide in you and others.

Being available and strong for those who rely on you,  is very simply how we can all help.

PS: Help yourself by getting your mammogram, flu shot, covid vaccine and shingles vaccine. Your loved ones will appreciate you.