No- not the turkey and stuffing, instead the leftover warm and fuzzy or crazy chaos of holiday memories. We all have them, many wonderful, charmed and loving. With any unpleasantries long forgotten so that everyone piles into the car and does it again and again each year. A routine of company, cooking and camaraderie. Last year was just an aberration. we can just jump into the whole celebrate traditions again, right? I suspect that several of you may do just that. However, what a quiet, shut- in year has provoked is a new perspective. While many still love the engagement and make every sacrifice to gather across the miles, there are also those who will choose differently this year. Age, illness, treatments, economics, all sorts of disruptions are forcing decisions. For some, last year was almost a relief- no travel or congregating so there were no choices to make, no need to “take sides”. This year the expectations are back and you put on your game-face and fly, drive, face time and engage. What some patients share is the difficulty of this “hoopla” and the pressure to participate.
“Doc it was so easy last year. Sure I missed them but at least I could eat in peace and not put little Trixie in the kennel”. Frances’ son is insisting that she make her way up to hometown New York and at 82 she is dreading the effort and the cold. Debbie won’t travel to Michigan because the chemo took her hair and she never told her “kids” about her diagnosis, so she made some excuse to stay home and confesses she is going to pretend to not know how to face time when they call her. Phil’s mom is in a home here so he won’t leave her to travel and see he grand kids- pulled in two directions as the sandwich generation is. Nancy’s grown kids are in town but, she is fatigued with therapy so less tolerant. She makes an announcement that ‘ “If they start fighting, out they go!”. Not everyone anticipates loving, joy filled days. For some there is grieving with loss at the table this year. Others are trying to make new traditions. “Doc, I never had to cook a turkey, but need to honor my mother’s tradition.”
For those of us blessed with happy memories: simpler times, a tiny house filled with warmth, the expectation as you introduced you future spouse to the family on the holiday, setting up a high chair for a new addition, helping in the kitchen, or celebrations more quiet: a simple dinner and favorite movie, seeing a friend or helping at the church or shelter, there was always a way to mark the occasion.
If the Norman Rockwell picture perfect moments are illusive this year, then bring out the leftover memories- enjoy reminiscing. No, you cannot recreate, but you can create and make something new. What I know from every interaction is that we have a lifetime of holidays to recall that will warm our hearts. May I also suggest that you engage in a way that is right for you, right now? Perhaps simple, less energetic and emotionally charged activities: visit a drive through light show, walk through a town or open mall in the sun, take pictures of the comical geese or decorations, enjoy the neighbors’ light displays, yes watch the sappy Christmas movies, treat yourself to eggnog, buy a poinsettia and fill it with lights as an easy replacement for a tree. Leftover memories will always be there for you, but your life is changing, so the holidays will as well. Don’t let traditions dictate. You get pushed around a lot with all the “treating cancer business”. Decide how you want to enjoy this season. If you can’t wait to see everyone- do it. I have several patients holding off on therapy until after the holidays so that they can travel. If instead you are like James who does not have the energy to navigate his family’s drama, dig into the work of caring for yourself. It’s a grand reason to stay home. I almost had to write him a prescription “Doc says I can’t travel!” I tell patients to use me as an excuse, I’d rather take the heat for them.
So much has changed for us all this year. If you have the energy and desire to re-engage full force and return to traditions, make that time and do not let any healthcare interfere. If instead, you are ready to keep the memories but lesson the pressure, then take control. Each and every single day is very very precious. Please, I implore you to un-apologetically make these holly-days your own.