There was commotion at the nurse’s station years ago and as Chief of Staff I thought I’d better check it out. A usually calm, serene physician was yelling… at no one in particular. When I heard “It’s like a death!” I pulled him aside. He continued,” Nobody tells you. It’s awful! Suddenly your life changes. They are gone and the kitchen table is empty. Who am I going to fish and hunt with? My wife can’t stand that there is no laundry!” (Well that will change when they come home first break.) The Doc was suffering the empty nest that occurred when his twins left for college. He seems in shock. We all knew they were very close and did everything together. He was grieving, but also furious that the life change was a secret, so he felt ill prepared.
Later that week, the head hospice nurse plopped into the chair in my office. Another hat I wore at the time was Hospice Medical Director, so I thought we may have a problem. She burst into tears, so unlike her. As a single mother, she also dropped her daughter off to college just 90 minutes away but is horrified by the loneliness and also grieving. “Joanne, I am numb. I can’t stand to go home, it’s so silent. No one warns you”.
Well, they don’t warn you enough about childbirth (especially natural) yet we get through it. There are just certain aspects of life and timelines that present themselves and we find ourselves ill prepared. Maybe it’s best. It pushes us to find a new normal. Out of comfort zones. Like a diagnosis. Out of the blue you are facing a new tough reality……so much soul searching to define this new challenge and set a new path.
As September looms and kids head to school and college what I see this week is a fun, new spirit and many forgot their dismay at empty nest syndrome. Mildred is a prim and proper “matron” from Boston. She never gave into the casualness of Florida. This week she is sporting a Notre Dame T shirt over her smart slacks and heels. “My grandson left for college and has a full football scholarship! I am so proud!” Charles switched out his ubiquitous Florida Gators blue and orange duds for a new Florida State cap. “Doc, my daughter is a single mom so I can’t come in tomorrow. I am helping her move my granddaughter to Tallahassee. Looks like I gotta give up the Gator!” Next week I am so delighted to be covering my former practice so the proud Dad and Doc can take his daughter to U Miami. How did that happen they were babies?!
What this month proves is that while change is inevitable- in life, health, relationships and location, what remains is an internal spirit of strength, fortitude and even excitement. I am sure to hear all the successes as they unfold. Even if the “kids” leave home, they take their families with them. On their young shoulders is hope and future. We know that we don’t live this life just for ourselves. People are placed into our own circle and families so that we can lift them, support them, help them on their journeys.
Come football season, the cancer centers will fill with proud parents and grandparents sporting the regalia of their children’s teams. They will engage with each other and chat about the games. They will burst with pride and they will begin to place this cancer diagnosis into perspective and use the gift of these events to break from the burden they are carrying. That is what back to school and off to college does every single year. For that I say ,”Hey nobody told us just how really great this can be!”