Caring for (preferred phrase to “treating“) thousands of mothers and grandmothers over 35 years, I have a few observations: when a woman has spent her entire adult life caring for others, she has no frame of reference for this new self -centered dynamic of cancer. Drive me to treatment? Buy my groceries? Help with my appointments? When too weak, help me dress??? You can almost hear her thoughts… Please do not make a fuss! I am not a weakling! But gradually, Mom allows graciously for the attention, fully aware her compliance is another way of teaching family to love and to be unselfish.
Moms let their adult son hold their hand, arm, or even the handbag as they enter the center. They allow children to speak for them (which she knows helps them to cope, and gain some control over the shocking situation). The roles have reversed, and everyone is discombobulated. The spouse may sit in shock, but the children demonstrate their well-trained (by mom) power and rise to the occasion. The businessman son drops everything and travels from Chicago to Florida. The daughter returns from college. Another brings her toddler to “help” grandmom. I love every one of the dynamics I’ve been privileged to witness.
This Mother’s Day, we honor the women who nurtured us and remember with loving hearts those passed. It is the perfect day to praise God’s plan in providing us with the entire concept of motherhood, for all species. There is never a doubt they will step up. So many holidays celebrate, but this is one completely about gratitude for a woman who accepted the role of caretaker unselfishly in our lives.
Honor her, celebrate her, pray to, or for, her and model her strength and fearlessness. While she was important in your life, her greatest hope is that whatever she must endure, her only wish is that you will be OK and she can be proud of your strength and feel that her job was well done. When the diagnosis comes, Mom’s reaction is almost always concern for her family. Her sense of responsibility, too great to allow her to focus on her own needs, only as they relate to her wellness to continue her God-given mission. She also holds the family when it is their Dad on the exam table, smoothing the way as to not interrupt her children’s busy lives. Her assurances and bravery are not naïve. She can lean into friends’ strength. Even when the family dynamic is rough – even when there is less contact or fractures – in a mother‘s heart, and in her prayers are her children, always. She keeps her head up and is laser- focused on her vision for the future. Always hopeful for herself and her family.
A woman may choose to be a mother, but trust me, she had no idea of what it would entail, so even if everything is not perfect, cut her some slack. With cancer, either in herself, her spouse or her own child, her life just got exponentially more complicated. Be there with your support and love. That is all a mother needs.
Happy Mother’s Day, dear friends. May God bless you and your families every day.