It happens over coffee or wine. It happens at weddings and gatherings. It happens over text and emails, maybe facebook. It’s the whisper, “I have cancer” that seems, for it’s profound impact, to require a soft, quiet pronouncement. Of course as a cancer Doc, patients don’t whisper this life altering shift to me in the clinic. They offer their reports and scans, hopeful that their personal earthquake will stop. But with our family, friends and co-workers, it’s almost apologetic. They know that every conversation from this time forward will involve further exploration, explaining, self attention.
Just this week, Katie joined her mother and me, dropping a kiss on her Mom’s cheek, she whispered in my ear, “I have breast cancer” . Her mom nods her head, takes a sip of wine, and the discussion shifts. Good she is seeing someone I would recommend and starting radiation now. Taking it all in stride, an unplanned trajectory at a younger age. We discuss the plan and Katie’s spunk comes thru, “I’ll do this, but I won’t do that”. I am careful to encourage her independence in choices. Things are changing so rapidly in cancer treatments, my experience teaches me to not be dogmatic. Nothing is set in stone now.
Next month or even this week, someone will whisper to you, or a text will come from a mutual friend or relative. The best response is listening. Even as a physician, I cannot erase the pain this new dynamic is causing for the patient and family. I cannot placate and say that all will be well and cured (by now you know I almost never use that word, instead “managed” ) For some, the treatments will be quick, for others it will be a few years or even life long. Once the words are said out loud, allow it all to settle. Don’t dig for details. Don’t lend too much advice which can confuse or even destroy their faith in their care team which is critical to success. Recognize that their life just changed and the best you can do is to be an empathetic friend, because I have witnessed for many years, that role is critical to success.
Be there when they ring the bell to celebrate, because everyone, including the staff can shout, admire the courage and cheer them on to a brilliant future as survivor…… and the quiet, fear-filled whisper can be silenced.
Pearl: Exercise reduces development of breast cancer, improves survival and reduces side effects of treatment, so keep moving. Find more @ breastcancer.org