Up and down the East coast this week people prepare. Lifeguards set up stations and red flags are flown for fierce rip currents. Living and working near the beach requires heightened awareness. The hurricane season is flexing muscle, so please be safe.
For Sally it is another kind of preparedness and I hope to help and advise her and her husband, James. The scans are sadly terrible. The two years flew by and the treatments are now unfortunately outsmarted. Damn cancer. He is weak, tired, deflated and she is terrified. “Doc, Jim has taken care of everything for 52 years. I wouldn’t know where to begin”. The patient nods his head. Because Sally is very active and social, she will most likely have years beyond James. I advise a plan. Sally needs to accept. Put down the pickel-ball paddle, move away from the majhong and even give up gardening and sit with James. His closure needs to include setting Sally up for success. He is tired but has more work to do, something he has been putting off. He now needs to make lists of finances, banks, insurances, deeds, advisors, even handymen. There are websites with more info. Consider power of attorney or at least medical power. Sally’s hands wring and I know she is concerned for herself, but James looks relieved as I to push to empower her. Having a Doc advise these necessary steps is an awakening. She cannot be naive and helpless.
Why message this today? Because Sally and James portray a very common dynamic. We must set each other up for success- even if it is a sibling or child. Share the knowledge. Help to make their lives easier. There will be enough drama when the time comes. If they can be assured of their own ability, then you have continued to enrich their lives. I have discussed this often, but for some reason, this dynamic presented, so I assume someone needs to hear it today. I recall Herb. Before his wife passed, she finally taught him how to do his own laundry and care for the house. He was so proud and they both giggled as they bonded over the mundane.
Caring for others isn’t doing for them. It’s empowering them, even if they resist. Sally pushes back, “I am not smart enough for this”. If she cannot gain confidence, then they need an advisor. Every single day someone is moving into a more challenged dynamic. It is best if we don’t leave loved ones to struggle too. It takes work and you may not feel strong enough, but you and they will be relieved that you worked on the next chapter together. Don’t let cancer care steal family care. Trust that your loved ones will be very grateful and that your devotion now will live on.